Sasori of the Rainbow Happy Sandand Diedara
by DuoJagan
Summary: stupid title, I know. This is another one of the What really happened Fics writen by Penguin God and Duo Jagan... I suck with titals so...how about this. You read the story, and I give you a cookie. Disclaimer: There may not actually be any cookie O.O


**Diedara and Sasori**

**Sasori of the Rainbow Happy Sand of Fun…and Diedara**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, parodies we rip off, or the souls of dub watchers…well okay I have a FEW souls which we extracted from dub watchers… only about six. **

**REMEMBER! We make fun of a lot of things, and we know characters don't really act this way, and we like some of the characters we torment…actually a lot of the characters we torment…in fact, Baki may be the only person we don't like XD**

…**and b4 the time skip Sakura sucks.**

…**.this fic may look long, but it is deliberately written in a childish and easy to read way…totally deliberate…yup…(eye shift)**

In the land of sand, an important meeting was going on.

Yuura: "So we have agreed…we will get a large pepperoni, three large sausages, and a blood covered cheese for Gaara."

Gaara: "…."

Random elder: "Gaara is a very poor kazekage and is a threat to our village!"

Gaara: "…"

Other random elder: "He's right in front of you."

Random elder: "Who is?"

Yuura: "What does this have to do with pizza?"

Random elder had a heart attack and died.

Baki: "We need more…young people in this council."

Yuura: "Whatever. I'm going to order pizza."

Suddenly, there is a huge close up on Yuura, who suddenly becomes dark and ominous.

Yuura: "I see…I remember now…they all want my pizza!...oh and I am actually a spy… but more importantly THEY WANT MY PIZZA!"

Meanwhile, outside Suna

Diedara: "Come on Sasori, lets show these people our beautiful art."

Sasori: "YES! We can make the world a happier place!"

Diedara: "I think I will make a birdy out of sheer happiness and fly over the village to inspire people!"

As Diedara and Sasori approached the wall, the sand jonin started throwing rocks on them.

Diedara: "OH NO! WHAT SHALL WE DO!"

Sasori: "Fight scene-skip no jutsu!"

Suddenly all of the sand jonin except Yuura are dead…I mean uh...sleeping…yah sleeping.

Yuura: "I guess since I'm not dead…I must be your ally! Want to share my pizza?"

Sasori: "Sure."

Diedara: "Fine you stay here! I will show the village of sand what a blast art is, yeah…

Diedara skipped merrily into sand.

At the same time, Gaara's kazekage senses were tingling.

Gaara: "My kazekage senses are tingling…"

Right then a giant spider walks into his room.

Gaara: "But what could it be…"

Then the spider exploded, killing the five jonin around it.

Gaara: "OH MY GOD! The pizza isn't here yet! There must be something wrong!"

Diedara continued to skip into town ignoring the exploding spiders killing people around him.

Then Gaara appeared in front of him looking really cool for no particular reason.

Diedara: "Have you come to greet me?"

Gaara: "There are no birds like that in the desert."

Diedara: "What?"

Gaara: "That giant bird circling the village…"

Diedara: "That isn't my bird…yah"

Then the giant bird swooped down, ate a small group of chunin, and flew away.

Gaara: "That is the last straw! It is time for a kick ass battle!"

Diedara made her own bird out of pure happiness and flew away on it as Gaara followed on his sand.

Diedara: "I just want to show you my art!"

Gaara flew up to Diedara and crushed her arm with the sand.

Random person: "LOOK! OUR KAZEKAGE IS MURDERING A RANDOM TOURIST! WE LOVE YOU KAZEKAGE!"

Fangirl: "WE LOVE YOU GAARA! EVEN THOUGH WE NEVER ACKNOWLEDGED YOU AS A KID!"

Fanboy: "Quit using caps."

Fangirl: "…"

Fanboy: "…"

Fangirls kill the fanboy.

Gaara: "My…groupie senses are tingling…THEY KILLED MY FANBOY! THE BASTARDS!"

Diedara: "I am just trying to show you my art! Look."

While Gaara was distracted, Diedara threw a pigeon at Gaara, which exploded.

Diedara: "What? That wasn't one of my exploding pigeons. That was a normal one…yah"

Gaara started to fall in slow motion.

Meanwhile in Konoha.

Temari was drinking her tea, when, her tea cup randomly shatters.

Temari: "I don't believe in this kind of stuff, but maybe…something bad is happening?"

Just then, a giant symbol of the word "love" fell from above her and shattered into little tiny pieces.

Temari: Hmm… it feels like something is wrong.

Just then, a person who looked strangely like Gaara, a person who was wearing a black coat with roses on it, and a kid who looks like Michel Jackson walked up to each other in front of Temari.

After Mini MJ got beaten in such a way his body looked like the word "love" he blew up. Then the rose kid threw an exploding birdy at the kid who looked strangely like Gaara, and fed him to a random giant bird in the sky.

Temari: "OH MY GOD! I left the stove on back at sand….I NEED TO GO BACK!"

Back to slow motion falling Gaara… Gaara begins to contemplate the secret of life and what true art is…surely life is merely the essence of an individual coexisting in such a way that he, she, or it effects the universe in a small abstract way, so to die without any impact on life whatsoever was to-

The essence of the readers got bored of the philosophy and made Gaara explode.

Kankuro: "NO! GAARA!"

Diedra: "Oh my god! I accidentally hurt him! I need to bring him back with me so we can save him!"

Diedra flew Gaara away on his giant bird.

Kankuro: "I will not let Gaara die!"

FLASHBACKIFY!

Gaara: "I do not want people to view me as a weapon anymore…but as a real human being. Which is why I have decided to become kazekage."

Kankuro: "So… in order to not be viewed as a weapon…you are going to become the villages main military tool… and what is used as a weapon to defend sands honor?"

Gaara: "………"

Kankuro: "Are you okay?"

Gaara's head explodes.

Kankuro: "OH MY GOD!"

UNFLASHBACKIFY

Kankuro: "I failed you once…I will not make your head explode again!"

Kankuro caught up to the giant bird, Diedara, and Sasori….but for some reason not Yuura.

Kankuro: "Give Gaara back to me!"

Sasori: "Oh no. this person doesn't know that we are trying to help his brother. You go on Diedara as I explain the situation to him…yah"

Kankuro: "Wait! Come back!"

Sasori: "No you don't understand. We,"

Kankuro threw out three scrolls.

Insert a million close ups here.

Kankuro looked kick ass for a second using three puppets.

Sasori: "There is only one way to save myself. I must use my ultimate jutsu! FIGHT SCENE-SKIP NO JUTSU!"

Kankuro's puppets spontaneously fall apart and he falls on the ground bleeding profusely.

Sasori: "Wow. I guess that must have been a really kick ass fight….I had to use my tail…"

Kankuro: "Damn…he uses poison too."

Sasori: "Why would I kill those puppets? I made them. There must be something wrong with my jutsu."

Kankuro: "Wait… your Sasori of the red sand!"

Sasori: "Sasori of the…red…sand…? Where did you come up with that?"

Kankuro: "Isn't that your name?"

Sasori: "No. My name is Sasori silly."

Kankuro: "Isn't that your title?"

Sasori: "No my title is Sasori of the rainbow happy sand of fun."

Kankuro: "Then it is even worse than I feared…"

Sasori: "I would help you up…but I have to help your little brother."

Sasori walked away in search for Diedara…and despite the fact that Diedara left about 15 minutes earlier, Sasori managed to catch up with him.

Diedara: "Did you explain the situation to him?"

Sasori: "I think so…actually I don't know. But it doesn't matter as long as we help this guy."

Then Sasori takes off his hat to reveal that he is…weird looking…

Fangirls: "ZOMG! SO UGLY! GET AWAY FROM US!"

Meanwhile…

Naruto, Sakura, and Kakashi caught up with Temari.

Naruto: "Temari! We just received word that Gaara has been kidnapped just a few minutes ago."

Temari: "Wait, you mean you got word about an event from a few minutes ago…that happened in a town that's a three days walk from here…"

Naruto: "yah."

Temari: "Okay. Lets go help my brother."

And once again in sand……..

Old man whose name I do not bother to remember: "Are you alive dear?"

Old lady whose name I do bother to remember: "HA HA HA I was just pretending to play dead!"

Old man: "Ha ha. You have a great sense of humor, Chiyo"

Old lady whose name I bothered to remember who is apparently named Chiyo: "Ha ha ha."

Baki entered the room.

The old man, being a fan of a popular anime called Naruto, remembered him from a particular scene.

Old man: "YOU KILLED HAYATE! DIE!"

The old man proceeds to strangle the man who is about three times his size.

Baki: "Um…yah ignoring the senile old man strangling me…we need your help Chiyo."

Old man: "WHY NOT MY HELP! DIE!"

Chiyo: "No. The only thing I want to do is give my grandson this sweater I knitted for him."

Baki: "That can be arranged. Your grandson just maimed a kick ass character. And we want him dead! I mean…warm and snuggly in a sweater…"

Old man: "Why does he need a sweater in the middle of the desert? DIE!"

Chiyo: "Okay. I guess I shall help…let me just drain Kankuro's uberness so I can do something productive."

Chiyo walks over to Kankuro and takes off his purple face paint.

Kankuro: "THE SOURCE OF MY POWER! NOOOOOOO!"

Baki: "Oh…we were also going to ask you to heal him…"

Chiyo: "I can't do that! The essence of happiness has been put into the bloodstream!"

Baki: "You mean the poison?"

Chiyo: "Yes…the…poison…"

It was at this time that Sakura, Naruto, and Kakashi ran in…despite the fact that they were still 2 and a half days away last time we checked….wait…that didn't happen in the manga! ZOMG LOOP HOLE

Sakura: "Stay back! I will help him!"

Chiyo: "ZOMG WHITE FANG!"

Chiyo punched Sakura.

Chiyo: "Oh wait wrong person…"

Chiyo punched Kakashi

Kakashi: "I'm not the white fang I'm the white fangs son!"

Chiyo: "Oh…DIE SON OF THE WHITE FANG!"

Kakashi placed Naruto in front of him as a human shield.

Sakura stuck her hand into Kankuro's chest.

Kankuro: "OH MY GOD THAT HURTS!"

Sakura pulled out something that looked vaguely like a heart.

Sakura: "I have removed the poison!"

Chiyo: "That's not the essence of happiness…that's his pancreas!"

Baki: "No that's his heart…"

Chiyo: "Liver!"

Baki: "…I think he's dead…"

Sakura: "Um…I am going to uh…make a cure now…yah…"

Kankuro: "Don't worry…I am too uber to die…"

Chiyo: "Oh hey there's still some face paint on his nose."

Chiyo wiped it up, and Kankuro went into spasms and died…again…

Sakura came back and placed Kankuro's heart in his body, and injected him with the essence of evil…

Sakura: "There. I finally did something useful…"

Baki: "But…he's still dead…"

Sakura: "I SAID I did something useful! Don't take that away from me!"

Kakashi: "Now that Kankuro is healed we should go rescue Gaara."

Baki: "But he's dead!"

Chiyo: "I will come with you! I want to give my grandson a hug….and possibly a sweater."

Naruto: "Great! Let's go rescue Gaara!"

As Naruto, Kakashi, Sakura and Chiyo set out, to find Gaara, so did everyone's favorite team.

Genma: "Are we there yet?"

Hayate: "No…"

Not THAT favorite team!

Gai: "YOSH! WE SHALL REACH SUNA IN LESS THAN 30 SECONDS!"

Lee: "Master Gai you disappoint us! WE CAN REACH SAND BY THE TIME IM DONE WITH THIS SENTENCE!"

Neji: "But…we ARE at sand."

Gai and Lee realized that they were so uber and fast, they had arrived as they were talking.

Pakun ran up to them.

Pakun: "Hi guys."

Gai: "What are you doing here pakun?"

Pakun: "….not running away from Kakashi…"

Gai: "Great! Then you can lead us right to him!"

Pakun: "DAMN IT!"

Meanwhile, at the Akatsuki lair of fluffy red clouds and happiness

Mysterious dark leader of mysteriousness: "Okay. We shall now extract the evilness from Gaara."

Diedara: "Won't it take longer now that Michel Jackson is gone?"

Leader: "Then we better get started before he comes back!"

Meanwhile in some random village….

Orochimaru: "ACHOO!"

Leader: "EVILNESS BE GONE NO JUTSU!"

Itachi: "Hey, you know you sound oddly like yon-"

Leader: "THAT IS PURE FANDOM! I AM NOT THE 4th HOKAGE!"

Itachi: "But the arguments can not go against each other, and if you think about it there has been a good point of not showing yondaime's corpse, and your mysteriousness jutsus would explain how to fake your death."

Leader: "But…Yondaime has yellow hair…I have uh…"

Itachi: "Unrevealed hair?"

Leader: "PRECISELY! They are different colors!"

Itachi: "…"

Zetsu came in with a human foot sticking out of his mouth.

Zetsu: "There are two teams approaching our hide out. One is lead by Kakashi and one by Gai!"

Leader: "Well…we haven't made Kisame and Itachi look cool in a while so let's send them."

Kisame grabbed two of Sasori's minions and left with Itachi.

Sasori: "Just don't let Zetsu eat them!"

Gai's team of uberness kept running in a straight line until….

MY SWORD DOES NOT SLICE! IT SHAVES!

Kisame appeared to the theme of jaws, keeping his sword above him like a dorsal fin…you know the sword that shaves instead of slices….the awesome not slicing but shaving sword of shavyness. Yah, that sword.

Zabuza: "My sword does not slice! It cleaves!"

Zabuza disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Kisame: "Do you remember me, Mito Gai!"

Gai: "You are…somebody I should remember….but I DO remember your not slicing but shaving sword of not slicing things but in fact shaving them!"

Kisame: "HOW DARE YOU NOT REMEMBER ME! Because of that I will…"

Tenten threw a thousand Kunai at Kisame….but one missed.

Everyone: "ZOMG! You missed

Tenten: "No I didn't."

Meanwhile…..

Sakura: "OW MY LEG!"

Kisame: "You brats are getting annoying. WATER PRISON NO JUTSU!"

Gai: "No! My students!"

Neji: "Wait, how come when Zabuza used this on Kakashi, Kakashi was perfectly fine inside the prism while we are drowning?"

Rock Lee: "It must be the no placed in front of jutsu."

Kisame: "Now do you remember me?"

Gai: "You are…."

Dramatic pause…

Gai: "Zabuza!"

Kisame: "…okay now that is below th-,"

Gai threw a peacock at Kisame.

Kisame blew up.

Rock Lee: "Neji you saved us!"

Neji: "I did?"

Meanwhile about 5 feet away…

Naruto: "Your…"

Kakashi: "Your…"

Sakura: "Your…"

Chiyo: "Your…"

Itachi: "Your…"

Naruto: "YOUR ITACHI!"

Itachi: "I am?"

ItachixSakura fans: "ZOMG! THEY MET EACH OTHER! YAI OUR WILDEST FANTASYS ARE COMING TRUE! THEY ARE SO PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER!"

Kakashi: "Don't look into his eyes! He will use genjutsu."

Itachi: "Kai."

Sakura started rolling around on the ground screaming.

Chiyo: "Wait…isn't that how you dispel genjutsu?"

Itachi: "Yes. I dispelled the illusion she has lived in for most of her life, which convinced her that she had fans."

Naruto: "YOU BASTARD! YOU KNOW SHE WILL DIE UNLESS WE PUT THE ILLUSION BACK ON HER!"

Itachi: "Isn't that a good thing?"

The remaining three paused to consider this…

ItachixSakura fans: "well….um…um….HES TORTURING HER! THEY ARE PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER!"

Naruto: "…well…I just wanted an excuse to use my new jutsu on you."

Kakashi: "And I wanted a chance to look cool."

Itachi: "Impossible…you have…"

Kakashi: "Precisely! Duel Masters advanced trading pack level 9!"

Itachi: "There's only one in existence! GIVE IT TO ME!"

Itachi threw a rock at Kakashi.

Kakashi ran up to Itachi and grabbed him.

Itachi: "Hm…maybe I should use my uberness to kill you…"

Naruto: "CLONE RAZENGAN! THAT'S TWICE THE UBERNESS!"

Itachi: "Maybe if I stand absolutely still my Itachiness will kick in at the last second…"

Right before it hit, something occurred to him.

Itachi: "Wait…that's right. I'm not the real Ita-"

Not uber Itachi got hit.

Chiyo: "Wow we won."

Naruto and Kakashi inspected the corpse.

Naruto: "This is…"

Kakashi: "Just as I predicted half way through the fight…"

Naruto: "That's a really good costume."

Kakashi: "Yah."

A dead 10 year old whom was going trick or treating before his untimely death lay before them.

Naruto: "The Akatsuki have convincing costumes!"

Kakashi: "We have to stop them before dub watchers start dressing up like me!"

Dub watcher: "Hi everyone I'm Kakashi. Lightning punch!"

Kakashi: "ITS TOO LATE! NOOOOO"

Sub watchers: "CHIDORI DAMN IT! CHIDORI!"

Naruto: "You know…Sakura is still going into spasms."

Everyone spends a good time watching and laughing at Sakura… then they continued to the lair dragging her along in case they needed a battering ram.

Gai: "Ah your just in time Kakashi. I see you brought a battering ram."

Kakashi: "Yup. But in order to kill Sakura properly we need to make sure that the cushioning force field around the rock is deactivated."

Gai: "YOSH! SPLIT UP TEAM!"

Meanwhile…in side the cave…

Sasori: "Wait…those were trick or treaters? Then what did you do with my men."

Zetsu: "mmm. Tasty."

Sasori casually drags Zetsu outside.

Zetsu: "Where are you taking me?"

Sasori cuts down a random tree.

Zetsu: "UNCLE PHIL! NOOO!" Zetsu goes into spasms as Sasori walked away muttering something about dad and uncle looking so similar.

Diedara: "Where were you…yah?"

Sasori: "um…nowhere.."

Diedara: "We are almost done removing his evilness. Unless some unknown force such as a 15 year old girls skull crashed into the rock blocking this cave, he will survive."

Kakashi: "3…2….1…NOW!"

Kakashi slammed Sakura's head into a brick wall.

Kakashi: That was a nice practice try. Has Gai's team removed the seals yet?

Meanwhile…In Gaara's head…

Gaara: "Who am I …is that…me I see…or is that the me that was."

Shinji randomly appeared behind Gaara.

Gaara: "Who are you?"

Shinji: "I am Shinji, or more rather how your mind sees me."

Gaara: "I see. So does that also mean, that I am the Gaara as you see him?"

Shinji: "No…I never met you before. I came to give you this."

Shinji slapped Gaara with a giant piece of paper that had COPY RIGHT INFRINGMENT written all over it.

Gai, Tenten, Neji, and Rock lee finished removing the barrier tags.

Then….

Gai: "It's a trap!"

Rock Lee: "What…what is taking shape…"

Neji: "Its…"

Tenten: "…us…"

Gai: "ITS OUR CHARACTERS FROM THE FILLER ARC EPISODES!"

Neji: "Isn't that just another way of saying they are our evil clones?"

Kakashi: "Damn! It will take them forever to beat that many episodes worth of filler arcs! Okay guys. Just like we practiced!"

Diedara: "Yai! Gaara will live!"

BANG!

Gaara's head exploded….again…why does this happen so much?

All of the other Akatsuki members spontaneously vanished.

Sasori: "NO! HES DEAD!"

Naruto: "YOU BASTARDS! YOU KILLED HIM!"

Diedara: "No we didn't the battering ram killed him!"

Sakura: "What battering ram."

Kakashi: "What the hell? I guess we gave her a big enough concussion to make her forget that she lost the illusion!"

Diedara: "I will fly Gaara to safety so we can try again. You explain everything to them."

Sasori: "Okay."

Diedara started to fly Gaara away.

Naruto: "GET BACK HERE!"

Kakashi: "Is there a single moment in this arc where you aren't in enraged Kyubi form?"

Naruto: "ROAR! KILL KILL KILL!"

Kakashi: "Apparently not."

Chiyo: "Sasori! I wanted to give you back your toy Kunai!"

Chiyo threw a bunch of Kunai at Sasori, who deflected them with his tail.

Chiyo: "And your sweater…made of bomb tags."

Sasori: "I don't need it. How about you give it to charity?"

Chiyo: "I made it just for you!"

Sasori: "Granny! Quit embarrassing me in front of the not important little girl."

Sakura: "I'm Sakura AFTER three years! I kick ass! I KICK ASS DAMN YOU!"

Chiyo: "Sure you do sweetie…Now let me just use my chakra strings so I can control you and make you run into Sasori's attacks."

Sakura: "You mean help me avoid his attacks?"

Chiyo: "Uh…yah…sure…"

Sakura: "Okay."

Sasori: "Look grandma. I gave my puppets lots of new toys."

Sasori shot out a thousand poison coated needles.

Chiyo attempted to throw Sakura in the way but every needle missed narrowly.

Chiyo: "Oh come on!"

Chiyo tried to make Sasori's tail attack Sakura with chakra strings.

Sasori however, stopped it not wanting to hurt a helpless little girl.

However, what no one seems to realize in this fic, is that this is Sakura AFTER three years. Who actually DOES something.

Sakura punched Sasori, breaking the puppet into a million pieces.

Sasori: "Aha! I see you have revealed my true form!"

Fan girls: "ZOMG! SO HAWT! WE LIKED HIM FROM THE BEGINNING!"

Sakura: "Wait…I broke your puppet by punching it…but you…who was inside your puppet…are completely in tact?"

Sasori: "Yes."

Sakura: "That makes no sense."

Sasori: "Logic be gone no jutsu!"

Sakura: "Huh…where am I?"

Meanwhile….

Suna elder: "We should elect a new Kazekage!"

Baki: "Why?"

Suna elder: "Because Gaara is dead."

Baki: "We don't know that!"

Suna elder: "Have you been paying any attention to the plot at all? Gaara is dead! The akatsuki killed him about three pages up…at least I think it was them. I wasn't really reading with too much attention."

Baki: "What…the hell…are you talking about."

Suna elder: "…We should elect a new Kazekage."

Suna elder 2: "Bah this is more annoying than that time that the third Kazekage spontaneously disappeared for no known reason!"

Baki: "You mean that time Sasori walked up to the third Kazekage, repeatedly beat him over the head with a giant stick, and dragged him out of town in a duffle bag?"

Suna Elder 2: "We could never figure out how he vanished…"

Suna Elder 1: "Hey. I just realized. Aren't you the guy who killed Hayate?"

Baki: "Oh god not again."

Kankuro: "What? You are! DIE!"

Baki: "You can't kill me! You don't have your purple face paint on."

Kankuro: "Fine…I will get my face paint. And when I get back…I will avenge the director of the preliminaries of the chunin exam!"

Baki: "Why couldn't you just say Hayate?"

Kankuro: "Who?"

Baki: "Never mind."

Kankuro: "WHAT! You killed Hayate!"

Baki: "…just go get your face paint."

Back at the cave of d00m…

Sasori: "This is my favorite puppet! The third Kazekage!"

Chiyo: "What? That's impossible! We can't beat someone with iron sand! Its like normal sand…except its iron…and it's a complete rip off of Gaara."

Sasori: "Yes. And since my puppets can use jutsus despite having no chakra or circulatory system, you are doomed."

Chiyo: "Then I will have to use…them…"

Chiyo took out two scrolls.

Insert flash back of Sasori with his PARENTS walking down the street

Insert flash back of Sasori sleeping with his PARENTS

Sakura: "What puppets could she be talking about!"

Chiyo pulled out…..two pictures with chakra strings attached.

Sasori: "The pictures of me sleeping and walking with my parents!"

Chiyo: "Oh…I meant to use the other puppets."

Chiyo pulled out puppets of Sasori's mom and dad.

Sakura: "ZOMG! That's even more surprising!"

Sasori: "My first two puppets ever…"

Chiyo: "AHA! REALLY SHARP ROPE ATTACK!"

The mom and dad puppets tore through the third Kazekage.

Sasori: "YOU BASTARD! IT TOOK MY A YEAR TO PERFECT THAT PUPPET! IRON SAND OF DOOM ATTACK!"

Bullets of iron sand flew at Chiyo.

Chiyo: "HA! I conveniently equipped your mom and dad with super high tech force fields!"

Sasori clogged one of the puppets with his iron sand of doom!

Sasori: "Now you only have one force field! So I will force you to choose between saving yourself, and saving Sakura!"

Chiyo: "I think I will save myself."

Sasori: "Well…too bad!"

Sasori clogged the other puppet with sand and fired his bullets of doom at Chiyo.

Chiyo: "I also turned my arm into a super high tech force field!"

Sasori: "Wow granny! You're really something!"

Sakura: "Why do you two keep spontaneously switching between naïve nice and evil bad personalities?"

Sasori: "SHUT UP! YOU DIE!"

The puppet of the third Kazekage shot out thousands of pointy spikes.

Chiyo, "accidentally" let go of the chakra strings, letting Sakura fall into the crowd of zig zagging spikes.

Somehow, Sakura was only scratched by one.

Sasori: "All of these are covered in the essence of happiness! They will turn you into a nice person!"

Sakura: "Your telling me you coated an entire cave worth of iron sand in happiness?"

Sasori: "Yup… pretty much. Now. I am going to let my guard down and make my puppet attack you head on instead of using the thousands of iron spikes right next to you in order to kill you."

Sakura used her uber ninja punch of uberness to kill the puppet.

Sasori: "What? How!"

Sakura: "I made an antidote for happiness! It is called the essence of Angst. I gave one to Sasuke when he was five. Ever since he has been listening to Lincon Park while cutting his wrists in a corner.

Meanwhile in sound….

Sasuke: "CRAWLING IN MY SKIN! THESE WOUNDS, THEY WILL NOT HEAL!

Back to Sasori…

Chiyo: "Now you shall be beaten. Behold! I can control ten puppets!"

Sasori took off his cloak to reveal…that he is a puppet.

Fangirls: "Um….we never really liked him…."

Sasori: "I am too uber to be human! While you can control ten puppets, I can control ten thousand!"

Sasori summoned an army of generic puppets.

Sakura threw the head of one puppet into Sasori.

Sasori: "Damn you! you crushed my rib cage! I can't use my puppets now!"

Chiyo: "Wow. Nice job Sakura. I guess I was wrong abo,"

Sasori: "Spontaneously appear behind a random family member no-jutsu!"

Sasori appeared behind Chiyo and poked her with a knife.

Chiyo: "AH! I am poisoned!"

Sakura threw herself into the oncoming blade…which went through her and hit Chiyo.

Sasori: "Wow, That wasn't very smart."

Sakura: "Here Chiyo…the last of the antidote. You use it."

Chiyo injected the antidote into Sakura after a long dramatic pause.

Sakura: "Why?"

Chiyo: "I am getting too old…you are no longer the useless Sakura from before 3 years…"

Sakura: "No. I mean…why would you bother curing me of a poison when I am going to die due to blood loss and a Katana being jammed through my gut?"

Chiyo: "Um…honestly…I didn't think of that. Maybe I should punish my grandson for this."

The mom and dad puppet stabbed Sasori.

Sasori: "Wait…Didn't I clog them with Iron sand?"

Chiyo: "Plot device sunny. Plot device."

Sasori: "This is just like my disturbing child hood…let me have a few thousand flash backs and I will die in peace."

For the safety of the reader we will not preoccupy any time with flash backs…except this one.

FLASHBACKIFY!

Sasori: "Mommy, Daddy, I want ice cream."

Mom: "Not until you finish your broccoli!"

Sasori: "DIE!"

UNFLASHBACKIFY

Fans: "Aw….he was so Chibi-ish!"

Above the battle, Diedara continued to run from Kakashi and Naruto.

Naruto: "He must have been flying away from us for at least seven chapters!"

Kakashi: "I guess since we have already wasted a lot of our chakra and energy following him, we should make our move now."

Naruto: "Good idea Kakashi Sensai! Now how do we do this…"

Kakashi: "Well conveniently I have a new dojutsu that allows me to bend the fabric of space and time…"

Naruto: "What's your point?"

Kakashi: "MANGEKYO SHARINGAN!"

Diedaras arm spontaneously combusted.

Diedara: "Despite having no knowledge of how he did that, I am going to assume that Kakashi used a dojutsu."

Naruto finally caught up to the giant bird and Razenganed Diedara.

Diedara: "OW!"

Naruto: "MAUL ENEMY TO SHREDS WITH FIVE CLONES NO JUTSU!"

Kakashi slowly backed up as Naruto's clones savagely beat Diedara.

The real Diedara hid in the bushes nearby as Naruto's clones covered the Diedara clones in bomb tags.

Sakura and Chiyo caught up to Naruto.

Sakura: "Is Gaara okay?"

Naruto: "Oh that's right. I forgot about him…wait weren't you dieing from blood loss last time we saw you."

Sakura: "Chiyo used a cheap jutsu to heal me."

Naruto: "Really? Maybe she can use it on Gaara…wherever he is…Oh now I remember. When I razenganed Diedara, Gaara fell off of the exploding bird into that cave of rabid wolves…wait….THE EXPLODING BIRD!"

The flying clay bird realized that it was effected by gravity and fell down.

Naruto's clones caught it.

The real Diedara smirked in the bushes.

Diedara: "I guess Sasori lost…I was right all along. Life is really one big explosion…of happiness and joy!"

"You won't find any joy where your going!"

Diedara looked back at team Gai.

Deidara: "Impossible! Whatever happened to the filler arc clones!"

Tenten: "My clone didn't come with any weapons……needless to say…it got a bit messy."

Gai: "And I am only in a few filler arcs, so there wasn't much to clone."

Neji: "My fangirls swarmed my clone and dragged him off…I was hiding behind a rock so they couldn't see me."

Lee: "Mine wasn't youthful."

Diedara: "Well then…I guess there is only one thing left to do."

Diedara ran up to her clay bird, and poked it.

Neji: "SHE KNOWS JUKEN!"

Then Diedara realized poking didn't do anything and bit it until it poped like a balloon."

Neji: "She knows Teeth Juken!"

(Insert big explosion here)

Kakashi: "CONVIENENT TIMING NO JUTSU!"

Kakashi made the explosion implode.

Gai: "That made absolutely no sense."

Kakashi: "Yes it did. I teleported the explosion to a different dimension."

(Meanwhile in a different dimension)

Ed: "In order to make the philosophers stone, thousands of people must die…we could never bring ourselves to kill that many people."

Conveniently a giant explosion popped out of no where killing everyone in Lior…for about the fifth time.

Ed: "Oh…that works."

(Normal dimension)

Kakashi: "Lets just ignore the fact that I said I couldn't use this thing any more after fighting Diedara and using all of my Chakra."

Gai: "YOSH!"

Naruto: "Hey! Look, in the middle of what use to be a pack of wolves, is Gaaras maimed and bloody corpse…I wonder if he is still alive."

Chiyo: "Stand back! I shall save him!"

Sakura: "Oh noes! She's going to sacrifice herself!"

Chiyo: "Damn…not enough Chakra."

Naruto: "Use my Chakra Chiyo!"

Chiyo: "Oh Naruto…if only there were more people like you…willing to help an old lady kill herself in a jutsu without any sign of hesitation. I hope that there are more people like you in your generation."

Naruto: "Shut up and heal him!"

Gaara opened his eyes again in a misty white background.

Gaara: "Wow…the lack of animation…I must be dead."

Gaara saw a slide show of flash backs.

Gaara: "Hey! Me and Naruto were both sad Chibis…wait…now Naruto has a friend…two friends…ten friends…dear god that's a lot of people. Why am I still all alone! NARUTO YOU BASTARD! YOU STOLE ALL OF THE POSSIBLE FRIENDS I COULD HAVE HAD!"

Chibi Naruto ran between the flash backs somehow…for some odd reason.

Chibi Naruto: "Hey Gaara. Do you want to be my friend?"

Chibi Gaara: "You mean you will respect me for who I am and treat me like an equal?"

Chibi Naruto: "Hell no. I want to beat the guiness book of world record for most friends ever."

Chibi Gaara: "Meh, better than sulking through six years worth of flash backs."

Gaara opened his eyes to see Naruto standing above him.

Gaara: "Naruto…are you dead to?"

Naruto: "No. Chiyo revived you in exchange for her own life…no one seems to care though."

Chiyo: "HAHA! I AM JUST PRETENDING TO BE DEAD!"

Everyone got bored of that joke and "accidentally" pushed her off a cliff.

Baki: "Oh, too bad. She is dead."

Naruto: "Wait, when did this crowd of people get here?"

Kankuro: "I got my face paint back, and they decided to gawk at my uberness. Conveniently I was standing next to you guys for no particular reason."

Baki: "Well at least Gaara is alive. Compared to that, the hundreds of people killed at our outer wall are just a minor inconvenience."

Gaara: "I liked being dead…nobody bothered me or treated me like a tool."

Naruto: "And now that your alive you can continue being sands weapon of destruction!"

Gaara's head explodes.

Kankuro: "NOOOOOO! I FAILED YOU!"

Kankuro's head explodes.

Temari: "I don't want to be left out."

Temari spontaneously combusts.

Baki: "Well…at least I am alive."

Naruto: "Wait, didn't you kill Hayate?"

Mysterious voice: "No he didn't."

(gasp)

(gasp)

(gasp)

Hayate and Genma appeared out of nowhere.

Baki: "Wait…your suppose to be dead."

Hayate: "This is a fanfiction. Death means nothing. Do you have any idea how many times Karasu from YYH has been revived for the soul purpose of stalking Kurama?"

Baki: "Well…at least this means I can't die…"

Hayate: "Wrong again. DANCE OF THE CRESCENT MOON!"

Hayate appeared above Baki and sliced into his shoulder pad.

Baki: "Just like last time, my armor has stopped you!"

Hayate: "This is the second level of Dance of the Crescent moon. DANCE OF THE CRESCENT MOON PLUS BOMB TAG!"

Hayate put a bomb tag on Baki's face and jumped back.

Naruto: "No way!"

Kakashi: "The legendary technique of Crescent moon plus bomb tag! No one has ever been able to master it since the fourth!"

Naruto: "How could someone achieve such perfection!"

Kakashi: "In order for this move to work, you must use clever monologing so that the enemy will not pull the bomb tag off his face like a smart person! I had no idea we had such a genius standing right in front of us! Its incredible that he isn't already The Hokage!"

Hayate: "Actually I'm here to tell you that I AM the Hokage now. Tsunade went insane because she won ten trillion dollars in gambling…which pretty much means that the end of the world is at hand."

Baki: "Hey, is this thing going to explode or what?"

Genma, feeling left out, shot a toothpick at Baki which exploded at the same time as the bomb tag.

Genma: "That's for not having a fight with me after we had a ten episode stand off in the chunin exam!"

Sakura: "Wait a minute…I just remembered…the illusion on me was dispelled by a fake Itachi. NO ONE LIKES ME!"

Sakura went into spasms and died.

Naruto: "Well…I guess this is a happy ending. If only Sasuke were here to see this…"

Meanwhile in sound….

Sasuke: "CONFUSING WHAT IS REALLL….wait…what are you doing here Orochimaru? Why do you have that look on your face? Oh god! CHANGE THE SCENE, CHANGE THE-,"

Everyone else saw this scene and died due to shock and the will to get whatever images that went into their heads, out of their heads…

Genma: "Wow Hayate, I guess were the only two people left in existence."

Naruto: "I'm still here."

Genma glared at Naruto, who spontaneously explodes.

Kakashi: "What about me?"

Genma: "We are going to use you as a human shield so that the swarming fangirls can not get to us when they realized that we indirectly killed all the bishies."

Kakashi: "That's worse than death!"

Meanwhile…at the cave of uberness and doom….

Zetsu: "Wow. How could have Sasori died? Could it have something to do with the fact that there are two puppet holding weapons lodged through his chest?"

Sasori: "Actually I'm still alive."

Zetsu: "Oh…well…this is for uncle!"

Zetsu gobbled Sasori up.

Tobi: "Woot! I can be a member now."

Zetsu: "On one hand, that's a completely stupid idea. On the other hand, Tobi is a good boy."

Tobi: "Yes, Obito is a good boy."

Zetsu: "Don't you mean Tobi?"

Tobi: "Yes…its not like our names are the least bit similar…I mean its not like they have the exact same letters minus one O. And its not like his supposed death happened to be in a way that would crush the left side of his body and remove his right eye…" Tobi's eyes shifted.

Then Tobi realized that he only had one eye, which he couldn't see with due to what we like to call the (manga eye block syndrome) usually used to veil a characters full body, like the Akatsuki leader.

Tobi: "ZOMG! I CAN'T SEE!"

Tobi ran around in circles and crashed into a wall…and then died…

Zetsu: "Oh…well that sucks…not that Tobi just died. I mean I just remembered Sasori had AIDs."

Zetsu went into spasms and died.

Deidara: "Hey guys! I just wanted to tell you that I am actually still alive, because I was voted the third most popular character and Kishimoto decided that my "clone" was the one that blew up and not me…guys?"

Diedara looked at the two dead members of the Akatsuki.

Diedara: "Well this sucks…"

Diedara then realized that he was bleeding profusely due to the fact that he had NO ARMS and had not bothered to cover the wound after Gaara had CRUSHED HIS ARM WITH SAND!

Diedara died.

Hayate: "Well…this is a stupid ending…we are the only ones alive…"

Genma: "What about the Akatsuki leader."

Meanwhile the Akatsuki leader…

Akatsuki leader: "I AM NOT YONDAIME!"

Itachi: "But you type just like him!"

Akatsuki leader commits Seppuku…with Kisame's sword.

Kisame and Itachi were too awesome to die…but they got bored of being two of the last two people left alive so decided to revive everyone except Chiyo and Sasori….because they gave out sugar free candy for halloween.

Genma: "This Is still a stupid ending!"

**And that is what really happened!...sorry about the end we got a bit carried away…in fact we almost considered randomly putting Shinji in and making him stomp on everyone with his Eva for ripping off the last 2 episodes of Evangilion… **

**Be sure to read our other Naruto stories. What really happened is funneh and tells you what really happened to Itachi's clan. And while we are still advertising things, I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by killing a Geiko…that wasn't a typo…**


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